04/08/2012
My Parents just got back from meditation retreat in new Jersey. Well Dad spent most of it at the Raritan center medical center. At first it was yay the rents are gone...yes sleep in for as long as can. But of course we missed our parents. They arrived yesterday and the reunion could not be happier. But today it was as if nothing had changed and things were back to normal...tense and like walking on eggshells.
It can be so exhausting just watching your parents not getting along at all and what seems or could be normal is just utterly and painfully stressful. I know for a fact it is never going to change. Ever since I was a little girl, I used to wish that hopefully one day they can see their behavior which has been secretly recorded for a long time. It is so exhausting trying to be parent to a parent and doing what are supposed to be doing as parents. I would like to be a child for once. I am 39 years old and have yet to experience my childhood.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Re: Dear birth Mother
I find myself always going back into the dark recesses of my mind where I leave all my forelorn thoughts and think what I would say to you when I saw you. I am writing this as if you might somehow actually read this. You are gone and I have no clarity, no closure, and so many unanswered questions. I will never know but why can I not find peace in my heart that you are really gone. I truly believe that you are still there. I have so much to tell you, to talk to you, to ask you. I need to see you. I need to ask you why I have no memories of my childhood. Why do I not have a place of safety when I close my eyes and want to go to that moment when I was the happiest as a child. Why do I feel as if you deprived me of a childhood? Or am I just misplacing blame?
When Cynthia speaks to me fondly about her childhood...I can see the deep fondness reflecting on her face. I see it. I sense it. But I cannot relate to it and that leaves me in wanton more and more each day. I live my childhood through her, imagining that mine would be the same yet I have no images in my mind to relate to them as she does. These might seem like the whines of a needy child...but why not? I cant seem to find inner peace. My mind wanders endlessly looking for an oasis, a shaded place for me to lie in, a cool rock to lay my head on.
When I see you or meet you because I believe deeply that you are still there somewhere...I want to just look in your eyes in silence. I want to hear your voice. I want to feel the touch of your hands/your fingers. I need you but once again you have abandoned me.
Will I ever know? My mind is in a quandry. My heart is restless.
When Cynthia speaks to me fondly about her childhood...I can see the deep fondness reflecting on her face. I see it. I sense it. But I cannot relate to it and that leaves me in wanton more and more each day. I live my childhood through her, imagining that mine would be the same yet I have no images in my mind to relate to them as she does. These might seem like the whines of a needy child...but why not? I cant seem to find inner peace. My mind wanders endlessly looking for an oasis, a shaded place for me to lie in, a cool rock to lay my head on.
When I see you or meet you because I believe deeply that you are still there somewhere...I want to just look in your eyes in silence. I want to hear your voice. I want to feel the touch of your hands/your fingers. I need you but once again you have abandoned me.
Will I ever know? My mind is in a quandry. My heart is restless.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Re: My last words
Dear Pinky,
How happy you make my heart feel. I am so happy that you chose me to be your older sister. Thank you for teaching me the right things in life and to do them right. You have shown me how to be a better person and how to look at the world differently. You have shown me that life is beautiful if I just gave it a chance. Of course I was stubborn at times and you took that big sister role and showed your older sister what it would feel like to be a little:) I love you for that. You and Shruti have truly been the ultimate blessings in my life. I did not know much in my life or what direction I should have been headed in but you have given me that sense of direction. You are my heart, my soul, my being. I love you more than you will ever know. I breathe for you. I smile for you. I am happy because of you:)
How happy you make my heart feel. I am so happy that you chose me to be your older sister. Thank you for teaching me the right things in life and to do them right. You have shown me how to be a better person and how to look at the world differently. You have shown me that life is beautiful if I just gave it a chance. Of course I was stubborn at times and you took that big sister role and showed your older sister what it would feel like to be a little:) I love you for that. You and Shruti have truly been the ultimate blessings in my life. I did not know much in my life or what direction I should have been headed in but you have given me that sense of direction. You are my heart, my soul, my being. I love you more than you will ever know. I breathe for you. I smile for you. I am happy because of you:)
Letter to my father
Dear Dad,
I love you. I have not said that enough and I just want to say I love you. You have taken care of me all your life and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being an amazing Dad, a hard worker and a good hearted person. I am so proud to call you my father. I am sorry for the hard times I have given you and the hurtful things I have said to you. As a parent I can only imagine the hurt you must have felt. Yet you continue to love me and for that I thank you Dad.
I love you. I have not said that enough and I just want to say I love you. You have taken care of me all your life and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being an amazing Dad, a hard worker and a good hearted person. I am so proud to call you my father. I am sorry for the hard times I have given you and the hurtful things I have said to you. As a parent I can only imagine the hurt you must have felt. Yet you continue to love me and for that I thank you Dad.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
02/07/2012
Dear Diary,
Today is a day filled with hopes and possibilities...of course so is every other day but today it is ever so possible. As I look into the dull blue sky through the glass window...I smile. My heart is filled with joy and fulfillment.
God is great in his infinite wisdom. Faith is so important. Love is never ending.
Had a very happy talk with Ray. He is truly a wonderful person...giving, caring and loving. Yes annoying at times and we argue endlessly and we fight to tolerate each other. But when all is said and done he is a good person.
The source of my inner joy comes from people all around me. My God, my sisters, cynthia, pretty much people in my life who care about me truly.
I am really bummed because phlebotomy class has gotten in the way of our saturday plans but on the same token am really happy because my sisters are on their way to their career paths. So teapottery class here I come. Am looking forward to it of course would have been triple the fun but no harm done:)
Cynthia and I had a real heart to heart about a lot of things yesterday. As a little girl I wanted a friend, someone who would just be my friend. Looks like that little girl just got her wish. I have known Cynthia for ten years now but now she is my friend in the true sense of the word. Or maybe it is me, I have become that person that a friend would want in their life or my Pinky and Shrutu would be proud to call their sister. Either way this is good:)
Today is a day filled with hopes and possibilities...of course so is every other day but today it is ever so possible. As I look into the dull blue sky through the glass window...I smile. My heart is filled with joy and fulfillment.
God is great in his infinite wisdom. Faith is so important. Love is never ending.
Had a very happy talk with Ray. He is truly a wonderful person...giving, caring and loving. Yes annoying at times and we argue endlessly and we fight to tolerate each other. But when all is said and done he is a good person.
The source of my inner joy comes from people all around me. My God, my sisters, cynthia, pretty much people in my life who care about me truly.
I am really bummed because phlebotomy class has gotten in the way of our saturday plans but on the same token am really happy because my sisters are on their way to their career paths. So teapottery class here I come. Am looking forward to it of course would have been triple the fun but no harm done:)
Cynthia and I had a real heart to heart about a lot of things yesterday. As a little girl I wanted a friend, someone who would just be my friend. Looks like that little girl just got her wish. I have known Cynthia for ten years now but now she is my friend in the true sense of the word. Or maybe it is me, I have become that person that a friend would want in their life or my Pinky and Shrutu would be proud to call their sister. Either way this is good:)
Thursday, February 2, 2012
02/02/2012
Deary Diary,
What a past few days its been.
Well first and foremost I am trying to stay out of foreclosure...I am trying to keep my home and that in itself has been a never ending battle. To top it off I have a myriad thougths in my head in regards to the current decisions I am making in my life to offset the situation I am in. So these thoughts do tend to raise a ton of questions in my head...usually in a wonderous continuem(*sp). As I sit in class I am filled with a sense of uncompletion. Again that just means a constant stream of questions in regards to my current choices.
I know I am going off in a tangent but I do respect my privacy where I would much rather sort, organize and store all my thoughts in my head but due to the fear of missing out on a memory this blog has become my pensieve. A wise choice...I think so:) I am so very proud of Pinky for putting her thoughts in writing to save her sanity. A very brave move on her part I must say...in a way getting stark naked in front of the world. I am inspired to do the same almost unwillingly of course. Remember, I dont like to share.
However, after yesterday my thoughts have been jarred by my constant emotional wailing. Hold on a second please...my mind is wandering and I am going to check a couple of things before I can continue this conversation.
Anyway so back to where we were...err I was. So, Raul is a dear old man. And I love being around men that boost my self esteem. Men are generally programmed to do so to women with whom they havent slept yet...staying true to the old adage that unchartered waters always portray a sense of mystery..well at least at times anyway always from afar. Anyway...being referenced by him that I bear a striking a resemblance to Gina Lollobrigida...of course at that minute I did not know if I should be flattered or brace myself I just let it soak in and walked away with a forced smile...making a mental note to research said actress when I get home.
I was all content on my drive home considering where I was heading from...not used to attention in my direction what so ever...I might say I dont know what to do...and at times I am purely embarrassed. So, I look up Gina Lollobrigida with a slight sense of hesitation...well I dont know if anyone else does that but when people say "You look like....", I always brace myself in case I dont like what I hear and of course the never ending question and answer session I will have in my head mainly consisting of one back and forth question and answer session..."Is that how people see me...wow I must look like that". Kinda like when you go running and you think you look hot and sexy but to the innocent bystander you look like a flagelling idiot in need of an oxygen tank.
But the result was not bad...not bad at all. Here is Gina Lollobrigida...a sexpot, a temptress, a seductress in the 50s. I was purely flattered especially because her waist was probably the size of my palm...of course not even remotely close to the where my waist is. Personally I love that era. A purely romantic era that I am drawn to...sort of feel like I have a kinship of some sort...long lost loves if you will...I belong there. However, as sad as their stories sometimes seem I am equally content living that era in the 21st century. My life. My choices. My dreams. However, when one is portrayed as a sexpot does that usually make it difficult for married women to mantain a friendship with them? Flip shoe and in my case it would be a unhesitant yes. Just for that...note to self - buy leash, most preferably the one that dispenses a low voltage of electric current, restoring sensation to every part of the body for my husband...err boyfriend.
What a past few days its been.
Well first and foremost I am trying to stay out of foreclosure...I am trying to keep my home and that in itself has been a never ending battle. To top it off I have a myriad thougths in my head in regards to the current decisions I am making in my life to offset the situation I am in. So these thoughts do tend to raise a ton of questions in my head...usually in a wonderous continuem(*sp). As I sit in class I am filled with a sense of uncompletion. Again that just means a constant stream of questions in regards to my current choices.
I know I am going off in a tangent but I do respect my privacy where I would much rather sort, organize and store all my thoughts in my head but due to the fear of missing out on a memory this blog has become my pensieve. A wise choice...I think so:) I am so very proud of Pinky for putting her thoughts in writing to save her sanity. A very brave move on her part I must say...in a way getting stark naked in front of the world. I am inspired to do the same almost unwillingly of course. Remember, I dont like to share.
However, after yesterday my thoughts have been jarred by my constant emotional wailing. Hold on a second please...my mind is wandering and I am going to check a couple of things before I can continue this conversation.
Anyway so back to where we were...err I was. So, Raul is a dear old man. And I love being around men that boost my self esteem. Men are generally programmed to do so to women with whom they havent slept yet...staying true to the old adage that unchartered waters always portray a sense of mystery..well at least at times anyway always from afar. Anyway...being referenced by him that I bear a striking a resemblance to Gina Lollobrigida...of course at that minute I did not know if I should be flattered or brace myself I just let it soak in and walked away with a forced smile...making a mental note to research said actress when I get home.
I was all content on my drive home considering where I was heading from...not used to attention in my direction what so ever...I might say I dont know what to do...and at times I am purely embarrassed. So, I look up Gina Lollobrigida with a slight sense of hesitation...well I dont know if anyone else does that but when people say "You look like....", I always brace myself in case I dont like what I hear and of course the never ending question and answer session I will have in my head mainly consisting of one back and forth question and answer session..."Is that how people see me...wow I must look like that". Kinda like when you go running and you think you look hot and sexy but to the innocent bystander you look like a flagelling idiot in need of an oxygen tank.
But the result was not bad...not bad at all. Here is Gina Lollobrigida...a sexpot, a temptress, a seductress in the 50s. I was purely flattered especially because her waist was probably the size of my palm...of course not even remotely close to the where my waist is. Personally I love that era. A purely romantic era that I am drawn to...sort of feel like I have a kinship of some sort...long lost loves if you will...I belong there. However, as sad as their stories sometimes seem I am equally content living that era in the 21st century. My life. My choices. My dreams. However, when one is portrayed as a sexpot does that usually make it difficult for married women to mantain a friendship with them? Flip shoe and in my case it would be a unhesitant yes. Just for that...note to self - buy leash, most preferably the one that dispenses a low voltage of electric current, restoring sensation to every part of the body for my husband...err boyfriend.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
01/25/2012 What would I say to you if I was gone
My darling Shrutu,
I love you so much. I never had a chance to love someone/something so much until you and Pinky came along. I watch you grow everyday into a beautiful lady with a straight head on her shoulders. I know you are smart, intelligent and effervescent. But always remember that you have to think with a level head and sometimes put your emotions aside. Do not let your temper get the best of you. I used to be like that. I was a really angry child and I had to go through a lot of twist and turns in life to mellow me out. Angry is not good babe. Know that life is all about compromises and how you compromise and come out of the situation tells a lot about you as a person. Do not let that define you. Enough about that.
You have a wholesome life ahead of you...make the best of it. Marry someone who is going to grow with you and allow you to grow into your own person. I never want you to have regrets and when you do do not dwell on them, learn from them and move on.
Thank you for teaching me a lot about life. I was lost with you. You helped me nourish my soul and my entire being. Thank you for making me a whole person. I did not know what it was like to hold someone so small in my arms and one day watch that little beautiful someone blossom into a beautiful model of elegance but because of you I do. I did not know what love was like until you came along. I did not know what it was like to fully give of my soul until you came along.
I love you more than life itself:)
I love you so much. I never had a chance to love someone/something so much until you and Pinky came along. I watch you grow everyday into a beautiful lady with a straight head on her shoulders. I know you are smart, intelligent and effervescent. But always remember that you have to think with a level head and sometimes put your emotions aside. Do not let your temper get the best of you. I used to be like that. I was a really angry child and I had to go through a lot of twist and turns in life to mellow me out. Angry is not good babe. Know that life is all about compromises and how you compromise and come out of the situation tells a lot about you as a person. Do not let that define you. Enough about that.
You have a wholesome life ahead of you...make the best of it. Marry someone who is going to grow with you and allow you to grow into your own person. I never want you to have regrets and when you do do not dwell on them, learn from them and move on.
Thank you for teaching me a lot about life. I was lost with you. You helped me nourish my soul and my entire being. Thank you for making me a whole person. I did not know what it was like to hold someone so small in my arms and one day watch that little beautiful someone blossom into a beautiful model of elegance but because of you I do. I did not know what love was like until you came along. I did not know what it was like to fully give of my soul until you came along.
I love you more than life itself:)
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