I find myself always going back into the dark recesses of my mind where I leave all my forelorn thoughts and think what I would say to you when I saw you. I am writing this as if you might somehow actually read this. You are gone and I have no clarity, no closure, and so many unanswered questions. I will never know but why can I not find peace in my heart that you are really gone. I truly believe that you are still there. I have so much to tell you, to talk to you, to ask you. I need to see you. I need to ask you why I have no memories of my childhood. Why do I not have a place of safety when I close my eyes and want to go to that moment when I was the happiest as a child. Why do I feel as if you deprived me of a childhood? Or am I just misplacing blame?
When Cynthia speaks to me fondly about her childhood...I can see the deep fondness reflecting on her face. I see it. I sense it. But I cannot relate to it and that leaves me in wanton more and more each day. I live my childhood through her, imagining that mine would be the same yet I have no images in my mind to relate to them as she does. These might seem like the whines of a needy child...but why not? I cant seem to find inner peace. My mind wanders endlessly looking for an oasis, a shaded place for me to lie in, a cool rock to lay my head on.
When I see you or meet you because I believe deeply that you are still there somewhere...I want to just look in your eyes in silence. I want to hear your voice. I want to feel the touch of your hands/your fingers. I need you but once again you have abandoned me.
Will I ever know? My mind is in a quandry. My heart is restless.
No comments:
Post a Comment