Four Vines

2010 LODI Petite Sirah
LODI - a city in north central California
Petite Sirah - a grape variety

I found this beautiful jewel nestled among the bottles on sale at The World Market.  Normally $12.99...it was on sale for $6.49.  I was definitely game to give it a try. 
This beautiful red wine boasts a subtly sweet, gentle flavor, just long enough to make you want to take another sip.  A fairly evident spicy aftertaste is very much a welcome surprise.  I would like call this one a truffle because it was a hidden gem.  Must enjoy again....:)

                                     "....toffee on the nose, big boysenberry fruit,....massive structure wrapped in a velvet glove...."

Derek Benham
Proprietor

Today

Today has just been one of those days.  I am having mixed feelings.  Ray moves his things in today...I am not really excited but I know I should embrace each new day with the anticipation of things to come on that day.  Why do I do that all the time???  There is this newfound fear yet again and that leads to me being guarded.  Ray is a good guy but I cannot remain off guard...just cant.  I feel like I am going to lose my space....ah there it is my space.  It is the one place I look forward to at the end of the day...so now no more walking around how I feel like it:/.  Not only that he is bringing 30 of his plants on my deck...wth???  Oh well...tomorrow is my day off and I am so looking forward to it.  I am spending Friday night helping him pack and then next morning we are going to his bowling tournament so that should be fun:).  I am just getting so tired of his needy nature already...because he whines about every single thing!

Pensive

My dear diary,

I am merely reflecting on the tidbits of thoughts that constantly, I mean constantly race through my mind.  It never stops.  When I am not thinking about something, which is rare, I am racing wildly with my fingers.  A neverending saga.  I am thankful.  I am thankful that I can live in the present.  Sometimes moments like the ones I am about to reflect upon are moments people actually want to live and reflect upon.  I feel truly blessed to actually do so.  I am thankful for being able to work, go to school, have an amazingly, loving, dysfunctional family...it is all a beautiful part of actually belonging to something, someone, and somewhere.  My refuge.  My thoughts just go towards Sushma.  I hope you are doing okay.  I can understand why you are standing on the outskirts of everything you once knew.  It is because you don't know where you belong.  Even if you were made to feel like you belong, deep down you still would not know.  And I dont blame you.  I know one day you will come around and when you do, when you let go of everything that has taken control of your life, you will truly be able to encompass everything that can make you truly happy.  I love you, I pray for you, I wish you the happiness that you still search for.

So 5 months later....

08/27/2012

This girl that constantly challenges the universe although unconciously, apparently...has a new feeling!  Weird enough but yes new.  I am smitten!  I finally have closure from Stone...geez almost 6 years later...marriages end in periods shorter than those!  But I no longer think about him, he no longer consumes me and my thought process, it is such an amazing relief!  Thank you dear dear dear amazing God!
And no sooner had I let go and was just feeling free yet lonely but putting on a brave front by telling the Universe that I no longer needed someone...bam!!  Yes, this girl opened herself up and got smacked by Cupid:)  Long story short...I met  him at a friends b'day party through a "coy" introduction by her mate.  At first I honestly went in with the intention of just having a good time.  Fast forward three weeks later I am smitten.  We had our first sexual interlude after two dates and I never heard back from him.  Seeing this in text is rather jolting.  But it has to be said.  Not someone I would typically date as he so casually pointed out to me on our second date...lol.  He is a ginger:)  I dont think I am in love, yet I yearn for his sweet embrace in bed.  His caring gaze as he moves a strand of hair from my face.  Him bringing me a glass of water while I am in bed.  Yes this guy is what I try so hard to not think about everyday.  So, I figured Universe...I need to thank you for smacking me unconscious and putting this amazing man in front of me as I had closed myself off. 
Well if anything, it has taught me that "wow" can happen if you just leave yourself open...end of the day I have no regrets for the moments he and I have spent.  Still thinking of you:)

A hapless blogger...sigh*

Re: Just hum

04/08/2012

My Parents just got back from meditation retreat in new Jersey.  Well Dad spent most of it at the Raritan center medical center.  At first it was yay the rents are gone...yes sleep in for as long as can.  But of course we missed our parents.  They arrived yesterday and the reunion could not be happier.  But today it was as if nothing had changed and things were back to normal...tense and like walking on eggshells. 
It can be so exhausting just watching your parents not getting along at all and what seems or could be normal is just utterly and painfully stressful.  I know for a fact it is never going to change.  Ever since I was a little girl, I used to wish that hopefully one day they can see their behavior which has been secretly recorded for a long time.  It is so exhausting trying to be parent to a parent and doing what are supposed to be doing as parents.  I would like to be a child for once.  I am 39 years old and have yet to experience my childhood.

Re: Dear birth Mother

I find myself always going back into the dark recesses of my mind where I leave all my forelorn thoughts and think what I would say to you when I saw you.  I am writing this as if you might somehow actually read this.  You are gone and I have no clarity, no closure, and so many unanswered questions.  I will never know but why can I not find peace in my heart that you are really gone.  I truly believe that  you are still there.  I have so much to tell you, to talk to you, to ask you.  I need to see you.  I need to ask you why I have no memories of my childhood.  Why do I not have a place of safety when I close my eyes and want to go to that moment when I was the happiest as a child.  Why do I feel as if you deprived me of a childhood?  Or am I just misplacing blame? 
When Cynthia speaks to me fondly about her childhood...I can see the deep fondness reflecting on her face.  I see it.  I sense it.  But I cannot relate to it and that leaves me in wanton more and more each day.  I live my childhood through her, imagining that mine would be the same yet I have no images in my mind to relate to them as she does.  These might seem like the whines of a needy child...but why not?  I cant seem to find inner peace.  My mind wanders endlessly looking for an oasis, a shaded place for me to lie in, a cool rock to lay my head on. 
When I see you or meet you because I believe deeply that you are still there somewhere...I want to just look in your eyes in silence.  I want to hear your voice.  I want to feel the touch of your hands/your fingers.  I need you but once again you have abandoned me.
Will I ever know?  My mind is in a quandry.  My heart is restless.

Re: My last words

Dear Pinky,

How happy you make my heart feel.  I am so happy that you chose me to be your older sister.  Thank you for teaching me the right things in life and to do them right.  You have shown me how to be a better person and how to look at the world differently.  You have shown me that life is beautiful if I just gave it a chance.  Of course I was stubborn at times and you took that big sister role and showed your older sister what it would feel like to be a little:)  I love  you for that.  You and Shruti have truly been the ultimate blessings in my life.  I did not know much in my life or what direction I should have been headed in but you have given me that sense of direction.  You are my heart, my soul, my being.  I love you more than you will ever know.  I breathe for you.  I smile for you.  I am happy because of you:)

Letter to my father

Dear Dad,

I love you.  I have not said that enough and I just want to say I love you.  You have taken care of me all your life and I just want to say thank you.  Thank you for being an amazing Dad, a hard worker and a good hearted person.  I am so proud to call you my father.  I am sorry for the hard times I have given you and the hurtful things I have said to you.  As a parent I can only imagine the hurt you must have felt.  Yet you continue to love me and for that I thank you Dad.

02/07/2012

Dear Diary,

Today is a day filled with hopes and possibilities...of course so is every other day but today it is ever so possible.  As I look into the dull blue sky through the glass window...I smile.  My heart is filled with joy and fulfillment.
God is great in his infinite wisdom.  Faith is so important.  Love is never ending. 
Had a very happy talk with Ray.  He is truly a wonderful person...giving, caring and loving.  Yes annoying at times and we argue endlessly and we fight to tolerate each other.  But when all is said and done he is a good person.
The source of my inner joy comes from people all around me.  My God, my sisters, cynthia, pretty much people in my life who care about me truly.
I am really bummed because phlebotomy class has gotten in the way of our saturday plans but on the same token am really happy because my sisters are on their way to their career paths.  So teapottery class here I come.  Am looking forward to it of course would have been triple the fun but no harm done:) 
Cynthia and I had a real heart to heart about a lot of things yesterday.  As a little girl I wanted a friend, someone who would just be my friend.  Looks like that little girl just got her wish.  I have known Cynthia for ten years now but now she is my friend in the true sense of the word.  Or maybe it is me, I have become that person that a friend would want in their life or my Pinky and Shrutu would be proud to call their sister.  Either way this is good:)

02/02/2012

Deary Diary,

What a past few days its been.
Well first and foremost I am trying to stay out of foreclosure...I am trying to keep my home and that in itself has been a never ending battle.  To top it off I have a myriad thougths in my head in regards to the current decisions I am making in my life to offset the situation I am in.  So these thoughts do tend to raise a ton of questions in my head...usually in a wonderous continuem(*sp).  As I sit in class I am filled with a sense of uncompletion.  Again that just means a constant stream of questions in regards to my current choices.
I know I am going off in a tangent but I do respect my privacy where I would much rather sort, organize and store all my thoughts in my head but due to the fear of missing out on a memory this blog has become my pensieve. A wise choice...I think so:)  I am so very proud of Pinky for putting her thoughts in writing to save her sanity. A very brave move on her part I must say...in a way getting stark naked in front of the world.  I am inspired to do the same almost unwillingly of course.  Remember, I dont like to share.
However, after yesterday my thoughts have been jarred by my constant emotional wailing.  Hold on a second please...my mind is wandering and I am going to check a couple of things before I can continue this conversation.
Anyway so back to where we were...err I was.  So, Raul is a dear old man.  And I love being around men that boost my self esteem.  Men are generally programmed to do so to women with whom they havent slept yet...staying true to the old adage that unchartered waters always portray a sense of mystery..well at least at times anyway always from afar.  Anyway...being referenced by him that I bear a striking a resemblance to Gina Lollobrigida...of course at that minute I did not know if I should be flattered or brace myself I just let it soak in and walked away with a forced smile...making a mental note to research said actress when I get home.
I was all content on my drive home considering where I was heading from...not used to attention in my direction what so ever...I might say I dont know what to do...and at times I am purely embarrassed.  So, I look up Gina Lollobrigida with a slight sense of hesitation...well I dont know if anyone else does that but when people say "You look like....", I always brace myself in case I dont like what I hear and of course the never ending question and answer session I will have in my head mainly consisting of one back and forth question and answer session..."Is that how people see me...wow I must look like that".  Kinda like when you go running and you think you look hot and sexy but to the innocent bystander you look like a flagelling idiot in need of an oxygen tank.
But the result was not bad...not bad at all.  Here is Gina Lollobrigida...a sexpot, a temptress, a seductress in the 50s.  I was purely flattered especially because her waist was probably the size of my palm...of course not even remotely close to the where my waist is.  Personally I love that era.  A purely romantic era that I am drawn to...sort of feel like I have a kinship of some sort...long lost loves if you will...I belong there.  However, as sad as their stories sometimes seem I am equally content living that era in the 21st century.  My life.  My choices.  My dreams.  However, when one is portrayed as a sexpot does that usually make it difficult for married women to mantain a friendship with them?  Flip shoe and in my case it would be a unhesitant yes.  Just for that...note to self - buy leash, most preferably the one that dispenses a low voltage of electric current, restoring sensation to every part of the body for my husband...err boyfriend.

01/25/2012 What would I say to you if I was gone

My darling Shrutu,

I love you so much.  I never had a chance to love someone/something so much until you and Pinky came along.  I watch you grow everyday into a beautiful lady with a straight head on her shoulders.  I know you are smart, intelligent and effervescent.  But always remember that you have to think with a level head and sometimes put your emotions aside.  Do not let your temper get the best of you.  I used to be like that.  I was a really angry child and I had to go through a lot of twist and turns in life to mellow me out.  Angry is not good babe.  Know that life is all about compromises and how you compromise and come out of the situation tells a lot about you as a person.  Do not let that define you.  Enough about that.
You have a wholesome life ahead of you...make the best of it.  Marry someone who is going to grow with you and allow you to grow into your own person.  I never want you to have regrets and when you do do not dwell on them, learn from them and move on. 
Thank you for teaching me a lot about life.  I was lost with you.  You helped me nourish my soul and my entire being.  Thank you for making me a whole person.  I did not know what it was like to hold someone so small in my arms and one day watch that little beautiful someone blossom into a beautiful model of elegance but because of you I do.  I did not know what love was like until you came along.  I did not know what it was like to fully give of my soul until you came along. 
I love you more than life itself:)

01/24/2012

Dear Diary,

I cannot help it but my thoughts drift back to exactlly this time last year...when the pounding in my heart would get louder and louder in anticipation of what my future would hold for me.  If only somehow my future me right now could have calmed the fears of my then me.  I now possess the regular cares something I had wished for a very long time.  Not to have to worry about anything else but just the present.  Aaaah.
I felt so blessed to have been able to serve yesterday...something close to what Cynthia said: our worries are minimal because there are people who have to worry about a roof over their heads.  It is a humbling experience.
As I read Julias book about her and Paul and their life in France...I cant help but wonder just that I cant help but wonder.

01/22/2012

I have just come home from spending an amazing day with my girls and as the day draws to an end my heart yearns for one more second with them.  I miss them already as the words spill on this page.  I love you guys so very much.  I always want you to know that.  Even though I say it often and every single time I feel like I should say it one more time so that you know and never doubt my undying love for you. Good night and may the sweetness of the night draw you into a beautiful dream before you awake to the morning of sweet hopes and desires. 
I hope you know the extent of my love for  you...the apples of my eyes:)

01/19/2012

Deary Diary,

My fingertips have not visited you the past 24 hours and I yearn for once to caress the keys that materialize my thoughts.  Each day from the 14th of October and then from the 24th of October and then from the 27th of October has been as if I have been born again.  I have been peeling a layer off the old me with great uncertainty.  Why do I feel this way I ask myself.  I can come up with no concrete reason.  I chug along and keep moving forward.  My thoughts drift a little astray and I let them. 
Had a lovely meeting with Alicia on Monday who treated me to a cute little birthday treat at Carrabbas.  We dined on mac and cheese appetizers and a delicious helping of tiny meatballs.  Of course polishing that off with a nice cup of cappuccino and lemon cake topped with lemon curd with a side of fresh cream.  So deliciously lovely and rejuvenating.  We had a lovely conversation and I brought forth my hesitations to Alicia.  I can always rely on her wisdom to bring me solace in these situations.  According to her unchartered waters always bring about uncertainity and hesitation.  I must keep going forward she says as this is what I have always wanted.  So be it:)
My thoughts float to yesterday.  Highlight - I must tell you that it was indeed a lovely day.  My sisters surprised me with dinner and we sat together watching "The Italian Job".  It doesnt get any better than that.  I simply love moments like those. 
Today was indeed momentous...why because in six years for the first time I started to actually work on painting my study.  The borders and the outlets are done...believe me when I say painting a room takes work.  Tomorrow I fill in the middle.  Although I am not too sure of the intensity of the grey I still like the color just cannot figure out what cheerful color to paint the accent wall facing the stencilled wall.  Well, I was supposed to write here when taking a break from studying for my sanitation class.  I supposed break is over.  Off to studying again.
Good night:)

Re: 01/17/2012

Dear Diary,

What an amazing week this is turning out to be so far.  Had the most amazing birthday weekend ever spending the entire weekend with the rents and my sisters and then ending the nights cuddled up to Harry Potter marathons:)  Could not wish for anything better.  Spent the nights at my parents, spent the day with my sisters and woke up this morning to do the same.  Made a pit stop at mi casa as it is being spray washed and painted so had to move the plants out of the splatter zone.  Well off to the shower and school with my sisters. Ciao Bella:)
What an amazing day I had with my sisters and Jahdan.  The night ended with an eventful chat with Valentine and then we head of to my parents where I will be spending the night again:)  I love love love it.

Re: 01/14/2012

'Tis the day before my 39th bday...bday eve if you will.  I am feeling pretty content except for this nagging pesky thought in my head about the tile guys using up 3 of my concrete sheets instead of bringing their own when tiling my master bath.  Aah I need to not dwell on that and not sweat the little things.  And I am going to try to do just that.  A little difficult if that is how you tend to think "all the time".  I am going to really try.  This year so far has been so rewarding already and by letting negativity, stress and resentment take over I am letting it win over me.  I am more powerful than that.  I am a good person who has matured over time learning and appreciating her mistakes and the hard times.  I appreciate my family more.  I definitely appreciate my sisters more.  I love them so very much and am having a better relationship with them more and more everyday.  These are the things I want to cherish every single day.  I am going to appreciate my friends more and look at the world in a little more appreciative way.
I spent so much of my time dwelling on the hows and whys and whats of the past that it takes over my entire thought process causing me to have pressure stress pains.  I want to let go.  So, I am going to try a little everyday. 
Well this morning after moving most of plants out of the patio so that it can get pressure washed and caulked and painted, I made an awesome breakfast of 2 whole wheat pancakes with prunes, granola and walnuts, 2 scrambled eggs and 4 strips of extra lean turkey bacon.  I made chai with cardamom.  Of course I had started the morning off with some kix and milk.
Now I am watching a menagerie of How I met your Mother episodes sipping on Vodka and water(it is now 04:50p.m. on Saturday).  Shruti just texted me to come watch the next Harry Pottery movie(Half blood prince) so I am so looking forward to that.  This is an awesome birthday weekend already:)

Re: New year...new day

So today is 01/13/2012...I have had a very evenful year behind me.  Ray I thank you with all my heart for making my dreams come true.  Thank you:)  I owe a lot of people in my life a lot of my gratitude.  Being truly blessed with amazing people in your life who make this journey worthwhile is more than I could ever wish for.  My Parents, my Pinky and Shruti my bestie Cynthia, Nikki, Alicia, Nicole(neighbor), Sharon(downstairs neighbor in 173), Don(downstairs neighbor in 171)...and so many more people that touch my life.
I am just very thankful. 
I had told myself that I need to write small accounts of my days daily after I watched How I met your Mother. 
So here goes, woke up this morning...looked at the amazing tile job in my master bath.  Went to the DMV in Winter Garden with Ray so that he could get his ID.  Met his friend that drove from Cali so the two of them could drive to Ft.Lauderdale for the weekend. 
Went to the site for the ad on craigslist where someone had cutdown a huge oak so that I could get a decent size to make a butcher block...I get there and the wood is not there and no one is picking up my calls...so that was a total bust but I did see some pretty houses on the way.
Made a quick stop to the bank and came home after picking up some necessities for my big breakfast tomorrow...aah I would like to pick up some fruit.
Am super excited to meet up with Jen for dinner...we are headed to The loving hut. 
Shruti wants me to come by to watch the next Harry Potter movie so if I get done soon enough then that would be next on the list.  Aah what a lovely friday it has been.
Nikki wants to go to Dave and Busters...but no can do 'cause I already have plans...although I do want to hang out with her too...love this girl:)
Well gotta move stuff from my balcony as it is getting spray washed and painted over the weekend...so excited:)
Talk to later dear diary.